And So It Goes

“Sarah, wait! Damn it, wait!” In three long strides he’d caught up to her. His arm easily encircled her waist, gaining him a captive audience. Fine. She was waiting. But now what? What could he say? What was there to say?

Their silence was filled by the ghosts of the accusations they’d hurled heatedly at one another time and time again. When trust is gone, when it’s been eroded, how many platitudes are necessary to patch it back up? Until the next time.

He let his arm slacken and she turned to him; her eyes raked his face searching for a glimmer of understanding or hope somewhere, under some stone she’d previously left unturned, perhaps.

He knew she needed answers. Hell, he knew she deserved answers. But he couldn’t function under the weight of the regret and disappointment in her eyes. He reached up to brush the hair out of her face, a familiar gesture that had once been enough to convey all that he never seemed to have the courage to say. She closed her eyes and he traced her features, barely brushing her skin with his fingertips. Sarah, Sarah, how did I let it come to this?

Aware now of the warmth and nearness of her body, his mind tortured him with a thousand images of Sarah, his Sarah, playful, mischievous, seductive….her passion had been his undoing. He’d vowed never to be this reckless again and yet here he was, standing on this ledge, wanting for all the world to jump. He’d wanted only calculated risks, but her touch had shredded all his calculations, had left him tormented that he could not offer more, could not be more for her. And now he that he was losing her, he understood that he’d simply chosen not to give more. He’d chosen what he thought was safety. And now he was losing her who was his safety.

He stepped off the ledge.

Countless times he’d kissed her hungrily, greedily, driven by a need to possess and control. She’d been his obsession ever since that first harmless flirtation. He’d ruthlessly taken from her so that he might quench that obsession. To atone, he attempted now to give, feeling clumsy and awkward. He was tentative as he explored her mouth, no longer master now, trying to copy her artlessness, her abandon.

She broke off their embrace abruptly. She needed safety, too.

When he finally offered it to her, he was slumped against the wall for strength. He’d said the only thing that could have bridged the chasm that divided them and he’d meant it. Getting the words out had dissolved the last of his defenses.

When he finally said it, they were the last jagged words ripped from a dying man: “Sarah, I can’t live without you.”

When he finally said it, she was already gone.

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The song "And so it goes" by Billy Joel is one of my favorites when I'm feeling sappy. I listened to it last night and woke up humming it. Beyond the sappyness, I do agree with his notion that a commitment to love is made without a safety net and with full acceptance that your heart may be broken. Billy Joel is awesome! He has another song, which is the most romantic thing I've ever heard. I'll keep that one to myself, though. :) I'm not feeling that sappy!